Cynthia Henrie, MFT

            When you have a critical and controlling parent, you learn not to trust yourself or question the decisions you make for your life. The parent will criticize your thoughts, feelings, decisions and a child's natural need to explore and be curious. Criticism is poison, literally. It causes stress, anxiety, hurt feelings, uncertainty and insecurity. Self-doubt replaces your normal developmental need to discovering things for yourself, learning to complete tasks and be competent. You become fearful, distrustful and insecure about your own decisions and abilities to overcome. Criticism leads to significant anxiety and stress. Criticized children tend to be pessimistic, fearful and are reluctant to make themselves a part of activities. They may isolate themselves, be depressed and irritable. Some will be aggressive. Many develop stomach problems, experience tension in their neck, shoulders and/or lower back. Over time these can worsen causing adult gastrointestinal problems, heart problems, skeletal-muscular issues and problems with breathing, such as allergies and asthma. 

           If you had a controlling, critical parent, you will typically have problems with self-esteem, insecurity and under-estimate your skills and contributions to jobs, tasks, events or other people. Critical parents poison your spirit. Instead of having the resiliency to face life challenges, you question every step of the way. You may know on some level you are making good choices and decisions, but struggle to feeling confident in the decisions you make. You will often seek out others who will help you think through decisions. You may be overly reliant on their thoughts and opinions. You may struggle with dependency needs and a need to be independent. Critical parents undermine your sense of being able to think for yourself and trust yourself. These are cornerstones for being a healthy, confident individual. You may not live up to your real potential in life because you may hold yourself back.

            In the workplace, your lower self-confidence may contribute to a belief or attitude that what you're doing is meaningful or important. If you don't think what you do is important and significant, you are less likely to devote the time, energy and creativity that could make things more enjoyable and rewarding for you. You may also find yourself to be a perfectionist. Good enough is not in your vocabulary. You will learn to be very critical of yourself, which can undermine your performance or  lead to burn out. You are more likely to loose interest in your career because you don't connect to       it as you would if you felt more confident and connected to the things you do.

            In personal relationships you will often undermine and underestimate yourself. You may settle for a partner instead of choosing one. This is not always true. You may choose partners who are controlling and critical or you yourself may become so. You may not take responsibility for creating joy and pleasure in your life with your partner. You may struggle with being dependent on your partner or be overly independent. Some people become jealous and possessive, insecure. You may even find you select partners or tolerate abusive behavior. Even if you are a strong, competent professional who presents as confident, you may find you "put up with" more than you should.

            Children who are criticized a lot and whose parents are overly controlling often have trouble with anxiety and depressive disorders. They are more prone to depression, general anxiety disorders, obsessive compulsive disorders, social phobias, dependent personalities, passive-aggressive problems, avoidance behaviors and problems effectively solving interpersonal problems. In addition, criticism can cause problems with anger, rage and resentment. This can result in displacement of these feelings on others or internalization which contributes to depressive disorders.

            This group focuses on helping women identify the problems caused by the critical and controlling behaviors of their parents. They learn effective ways to deal with problems rather than avoiding them. Sharing experiences reduces isolation and provides a deeper sense of being understood and validated. Group offers hope and a real opportunity to let go of resentments, anger, internalized self-criticism and self-defeating thoughts and behaviors. It helps members work through their feelings and learn to be more confident in themselves, trusting of their own choices and decisions. Improve your self-confidence, learn to connect more with your life, learn to own your life and improve your relationship overall! This is an amazing group with very dynamic, wonderful and creative women!

Some women have come from families where control and criticism was extreme or abusive. You may be in relationship with someone who is self-centered, verbally and emotionally, perhaps even physically abusive. Click on the "What is Narcissism" link to learn more!