How to Get
the Most from Couples Therapy
From CouplesInstitute.com
Professional Collection
by Ellyn Bader, Ph.D. and Peter Pearson, Ph.D.
Mar 30, 2004, 23:24
This document
is designed to help you get the most benefit from our work together. The first
three sections deal with how to prepare for and maximize the value of our
sessions. The fourth section summarizes some brief concepts about relationships
and productive couple’s therapy.
Your job is to create your own individual objectives for being in therapy. Like
a good coach, my job is to help you reach them. I have many, many tools to help
you become a more effective partner - they work best when you are clear about
how you aspire to be.
My goal is to help you each make better adjustments and responses to each other
without violating your core values or deeply held principles.
Goals and Objectives of Couples Therapy
The major aim of therapy is increasing your knowledge
about yourself, your partner and the patterns of interaction between you.
Therapy becomes effective as you apply new knowledge to break ineffective
patterns and develop better ones.
The key tasks of couples therapy are increasing your clarity about:
•The kind of life you want to build together
•The kind of partner you aspire to be in order to build the kind of life and
relationship you want to create
•Your individual blocks to becoming the kind of partner you aspire to be
•The skills and knowledge necessary to do the above tasks
Tradeoffs and Tough Choices
To create sustained improvement in your relationship
you need:
•A vision of the life you want to build together and individually
•The appropriate attitudes and skills to work as a team
•The motivation to persist
•Time to review progress
To create the relationship you really desire, there will be some difficult
tradeoffs and tough choices for each person.
The first tradeoff will be time. It simply takes time to create a relationship
that flourishes: time to be together, time to be with family, time to play,
coordinate, nurture, relax, hang out and plan. This time will encroach on some
other valuable areas – your personal or professional time.
The second compromise is comfort. That means emotional comfort, like going out
on a limb to try novel ways of thinking or doing things, listening and being
curious instead of butting in, speaking up instead of becoming resentfully
compliant or withdrawing. At the beginning, there will be emotional risk taking
action, but you will never explore different worlds if you always keep sight of
the shoreline. In addition, few people are emotionally comfortable being
confronted with how they don’t live their values or being confronted with the
consequences of their actions.
The other comfort that will be challenged is energy comfort. It simply takes
effort to sustain improvement over time - staying conscious of making a
difference over time - remembering to be more respectful, more giving, more
appreciative etc. It takes effort to remember and act.
The other effort is even more difficult for some people - that is improving
their reaction to problems. For example, if one person is hypersensitive to
criticism and his/her partner is hypersensitive to feeling ignored, it will take
effort to improve their sensitivity instead of hoping the partner will stop
ignoring or criticizing.
In all these areas, there is generally a conflict between short-term
gratification and the long-term goal of creating a satisfying relationship. The
blunt reality is that, in an interdependent relationship, effort is required on
the part of each person to make a sustained improvement. It is like pairs figure
skating – one person cannot do most of the work and still create an exceptional
team.
How
to Maximize the Value from your Couples Therapy Sessions
A common yet unproductive pattern in couple’s therapy
is making the focus be whatever problem happens to be on someone’s mind at the
moment. This is a reactive (and mostly ineffective) approach to working things
through.
The second unproductive pattern is showing up with each person saying, “I don’t
know what to talk about, do you?” While this blank slate approach may open some
interesting doors, it is a hit or miss process.
The third common unproductive pattern is discussing whatever fight you are in at
the moment or whatever fight you had since the last meeting. Discussing these
fights/arguments without a larger context of what you wish to learn from the
experience is often an exercise in spinning your wheels.
Over time, repeating these patterns will lead to the plaintive question, “Are we
getting anywhere?”
A more powerful approach to your couple’s therapy sessions is for each person to
do the following before each session:
1. Reflect on your objectives for being in therapy.
2. Think about your next step that supports or relates to your larger objectives
for the kind of relationship you wish to create, or the partner you aspire to
become.
This reflection takes some effort. Yet few people would call an important
meeting and then say, “Well, I don’t have anything to bring up, does anyone else
have anything on their agenda?” Your preparation will pay high dividends.
Important Concepts for Couples Therapy and Relationships
The following ideas can help identify areas of focus
in our work and/or stimulate discussion between you and your partner between
meetings. If you periodically review this list, you will discover that your
reflections and associations will change over time. So please revisit this list
often, it will help you keep focus during our work.
Attitude
is Key
When it comes to improving your relationship, your attitude toward change is
more important that what action to take.
What to do and how to do it can often be easily identified. The real challenge
is why you don’t do it.
How to think differently about a problem is often more effective than just
trying to figure out what action to take.
Your partner is quite limited in his/her ability to respond to you.
You are quite limited in your ability to respond to your partner.
Accepting that is a huge step into maturity.
The definite possibility exists that you have some flawed assumptions about your
partner’s motives. And that he/she has some flawed assumptions about yours. The
problem is most of the time we don’t want to believe those assumptions are
flawed.
Focus on
Changing Yourself Rather than Your Partner
Couples therapy works best if you have more goals for yourself than for your
partner. I am at my best when I help you reach objectives you set for yourself.
Problems occur when reality departs sharply from our expectations, hopes,
desires and concerns. It’s human nature to try and change one’s partner instead
of adjusting our expectations. This aspect of human nature is what keeps
therapists in business.
The hardest part of couples therapy is accepting you will need to improve your
response to a problem (how you think about it, feel about it, or what to do
about it). Very few people want to focus on improving their response. It’s more
common to build a strong case for why the other should do the improving.
You can’t change your partner. Your partner can’t change you. You can influence
each other, but that doesn’t mean you can change each other. Becoming a more
effective partner is the most efficient way to change a relationship.
It's easy to be considerate and loving to your partner when the vistas are
magnificent, the sun is shining and breezes are gentle. But when it gets bone
chilling cold, you’re hungry and tired, and your partner is whining and
sniveling about how you got them into this mess, that's when you get tested.
Your leadership and your character get tested. You can join the finger pointing
or become how you aspire to become.
Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn’t have to do it.
Fear lets you know you’re not prepared. If you view fear in that mode, it
becomes a signal to prepare the best you can.
You can learn a lot about yourself by understanding what annoys you and how you
handle it.
The more you believe your partner should be different, the less initiative you
will take to change the patterns between you.
Zen
Aspects of Couples Therapy (Some Contradictions)
All major goals have built in contradictions, for example, speak up or keep the
peace.
All significant growth comes from disagreements, dissatisfaction with the
current status, or a striving to make things better. Paradoxically, accepting
that conflict produces growth and learning to manage inevitable disagreements is
the key to more harmonious relationships.
It’s not what you say. It’s what they hear.
Solutions, no matter how perfect, set the stage for new problems.
Tough
Questions
Asking good questions - of yourself and your partner - helps you uncover causes
beneath causes.
In a strong disagreement, do you really believe your partner is entitled to
their opinion?
Under duress, do you have the courage and tenacity to seek your partner’s
reality and the courage to express your reality when the stakes are high?
Why is it important to let your partner know what you think, feel and are
concerned about? (Because they really can’t appreciate what they don’t
understand.)
What is the price your partner will have to pay to improve their response to
you? How much do you care about the price they will have to pay? (Everything has
a price and we always pay it.)
Can you legitimately expect your partner to treat you better than you treat
him/her?
Can you legitimately expect your partner to treat you better than you treat
yourself?
If you want your partner to change, do you think about what you can do to make
it easier?
When a problem shows up, it’s natural to think “What should I do about it?”
A much more productive question is, “How do aspire to be in this situation?”
The
Importance of Communication
The three most important qualities for effective communication are respect,
openness and persistence.
Good communication is much more difficult than most people want to believe.
Effective negotiation is even harder.
A couple’s vision emerges from a process of reflection and inquiry. It requires
both people to speak from the heart about what really matters to each.
We are all responsible for how we express ourselves, no matter how others treat
us.
Communication is the number one presenting problem in couples counseling.
Effective communication means you need to pay attention to:
•Managing unruly emotions, such as anger that is too intense
•How you are communicating – whining, blaming, being vague, etc.
•What you want from your partner during the discussion
•What the problem symbolizes to you
•The outcome you want from the discussion
•Your partner’s major concerns
•How you can help your partner become more responsive to you
•The beliefs and attitudes you have about the problem.
No wonder good communication is so hard.
Some Final
Thoughts…
You can’t create a flourishing relationship by only fixing what’s wrong. But
it’s a start.
Grace under pressure does not spring full-grown even with the best of intentions
- practice, practice and more practice. Practice the right things and you will
get there.
Love is destroyed when self-interest dominates.
If you don’t know what you feel in important areas of your relationship, it is
like playing high stakes poker when you see only half your cards. You will make
a lot of dumb plays.
The possibility exists that we choose partners we need but don’t necessarily
want.
To get to the bottom of a problem often means you first accept how complex it
is.
Trust is the foundational building block of a flourishing relationship.
You create trust by doing what you say you will do.
It’s impossible to be in a highly inter-dependent relationship without ever
being judgmental or being judged.
If you strive to always feel emotionally safe in your relationship and get it,
you will pay the price by becoming dull.
If neither of you ever rocks the boat, you will end up with a dull relationship
Knowledge is not power. Only knowledge that is applied is power.
Most of the ineffective things we do in relationships fall into just a few
categories:
•Blame or attempt to dominate
•Disengage/withdraw
•Resentful compliance
•Whine
•Denial or confusion
These are the normal emotional reactions to feeling a threat or high stress.
Improving your relationship means better management of these reactions.
Everything you do works for some part of you, even if other parts of you don’t
like it.
Everything you do that takes a sustained effort is governed by three
motivations:
•Avoid pain or discomfort
•The benefits involved
•Be a better person
It’s also true for your partner.
If you are asking your partner to change something, sometimes it’s a good idea
to ask if the change is consistent with how they aspire to be in that situation.
Businesses and relationships fail for the same three reasons. A failure to:
•Learn from the past
•Adapt to changing conditions
•Predict probable future problems and take action
Effective change requires insight plus action. Action without insight is
thoughtless. Insight without action is passivity.
If you want to create a win-win solution, you cannot hold a position that has
caused your partner to lose in the past.
“To be a champ you have to believe in yourself when nobody else will.”
--Sugar Ray Robinson, middleweight boxing champion, considered by many to be the
best fighter in history, pound-for-pound.
As always, we share our material in the hope that it promotes better couples
therapy and improved relationships for couples around the world. We urge you to
create a similar document that reflects your own thoughts and approaches to
couples therapy for your clients. If you find that this document is such a good
match that you couldn’t say it better yourself, then be sure to include on your
copies the heading with The Couples Institute and our names as authors. Thank
you. Pete and Ellyn