Cynthia Henrie, MFT

What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

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            Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a problem in the development and formation of a person's personality development. The disorder is characterological, meaning that it has become a  sustaining, permanent part of the way a person lives and relates to the world. It is maladaptive and results from a child being unable to progress through a crucial developmental period in infancy/toddlerhood. In this society Narcissism is often encouraged in males especially, who are encouraged to focus on their careers, success, independence, accumulate wealth, seek out idealized sexy women and to dominate women.

            Narcissistic people seek out the ideal fantasy lifestyles. They are often leaders, hold high-status positions, such as being a CEO, business owner, president or high official. Many enjoy making a lot of money; others want idealized love, need to be admired and looked up to. Many have trouble obtaining the status and power they believe they deserve or, no matter how much they accumulate, they want and demand more. They may seek idealized versions of love, family, social status, power and/or beauty. While seeking out one's desires or dreams is typically a positive attribute, they often do it at the expense of other people. They believe they are entitled and deserve whatever they want and believe others should support them in their endeavors no matter how unrealistic or detrimental it may be for other people.

            Narcissistic women who are mothers will try to appear like the perfect wife and mother to the world, but can actually be neglectful, cruel or tyrannical while they try to convince their child that they are being loving and looking out for their best interests. Criticism, constant disapproval, and unreasonable expectations can be characteristic of these women. They may even be blatantly dishonest about what they do to convince others that they are the perfect parent. They recreate reality to fit how they want to view the world. Narcissistic fathers can be dismissive of other people's feelings, negating other's points of view in favor of their own and expect their children to behave "or else." They'll often get very angry when children don't do as they ask immediately when they instruct them or ask them to do something. For example, a narcissistic father may want his child to bring him a drink from the kitchen. Even if the child is involved in something that requires the parent to wait, the parent will expect them to drop everything to complete the task.

            Narcissistic people want power, constant recognition for their achievements regardless of whether they deserve it, and seek constant adoration. Appearances are everything to a narcissistic person. They want to be seen with the "right people," people they deem worthy of their time and attention. They typically are arrogant, excessively controlling, condescending and demanding. They seem to always have to have their own way and they can get very angry, even to the point of having temper tantrums. They like being the center of attention and are often the popular, fun people to be around socially, as long as they are the leader and people go along with what they want. Narcissists live in a fantasy world in their minds. They want what is ideal, the fantasy, and when reality challenges their fantasy, narcissists can get very angry, frustrated and take this out on others, typically their families/spouses/significant others. Narcissists can be wonderful at first, but when you get to know them on a deeper level, they crave constant recognition, expect perfect obedience of children, don't like to be questioned or challenged, have to have their own way and seek constant validation/recognition/admiration. They are the center of attention and no one's needs are more important than their own. They can also be depressed and play "the victim" or the "martyr." They'll be intrusive and take control over situations in almost all social gatherings, frequently being the center of attention. They believe their way is the right way and simply assume others will want to do as they recommend. They get upset when someone questions their methods. Children are seen as their possession and as an extension of themselves. They feel entitled to treat their children however they see fit in the moment. Rarely do they regret their behavior and when confronted about being hurtful, they will typically behave as though the pain they caused should simply be put behind you because it happened in the past. They expect immediate forgiveness but will not extend this to other loved ones. They lack empathy and are very demanding. Others typically will comment that they wish their own children would be so well behaved, but they don't recognize that children are controlled with criticism, tyrannical rages and unreasonable demands for near perfection. Being well-behaved is expected because the narcissistic parent sees their children as an extension of themselves; they "represent the family," which must be presented well. The family's appearance is everything. They are placed under a tremendous amount of pressure and often are unhappy and resentful but are not allowed to feel or verbalize this. Feelings about a narcissistic parent's behavior is met with rage and dismissal. Because of this, children, whether now adults or still children, won't initially identify that the problem lies with the family, not themselves.