Cynthia Henrie, MFT

Extreme Abuse/Sadistic Abuse

Survivors Support Group

    For some people, being a survivor of childhood abuse or rape is far more than what most people think of in terms of being an abuse survivor. For some, the torture and experience of abuse is so unspeakable, so deeply personal on such a deep, intimate level that it defies one's deeper understanding of the impact of abuse. For the extreme and sadistic abuse survivor, the experience of abuse is beyond comprehension, beyond what is imaginable. It is often beyond the believable. As one extreme and sadistic abuse survivor told me, "I get angry and jealous when I hear an incest survivor talk about being molested by her father... I only wish I had been molested by one man. I was raped by several men and women..., so many men I can't even recall how many men, how many times, how badly I was beaten over so many years." Imagine being jealous of a rape survivor for having one terrifying experience or an incest survivor because her father snuck in her room to fondle her and masturbate himself at night. This is the experience of a sadistic abuse survivor. Her experience is beyond comprehension. She is isolated in her life of torture. She fears alienating potential friends around her because her experience will shock others, be too over the top for them, be called into question because no one can even begin to imagine the extreme/sadistic abuse victim's experience.

    For some, the extreme and sadistic abuse was done by one person. Perhaps he/she was particularly cruel, violent, merciless. A sadist takes pleasure in knowing he/she is causing intense fear and harm to the victim. Some may start out loving, warm and caring as a part of their grooming process, the way in which a perpetrator prepares his victim for sexual abuse, but later become more and more angry, hateful and punitive as the abuse continues. For many the sadistic abuse is done by more than one person. Some experienced repeated group physical and sexual abuse. Some survivors were ritual abuse survivors raised in sex rings, kidnapped, trafficked, or raised in secret organized cults that practiced sadistic abuse as a part of their religious rites or for militaristic endeavors. Some survived being kept as sex slaves, held by serial killers, or often groups of sadistic pedophiles. Others parents were their sadistic abusers. Parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, neighbors, etc.

Many have learned to dissociate from their experiences in order to survive their torturous ordeals. Some learned to leave their bodies, hover on the ceiling to watch and witness the abuse she was subjected to. Others had to create several different new "identities," of parts of oneself in order to cope with the level of torture and assault. Some simply learned to disappear and become compliant, accepting blame for the repeated abuse, hating oneself for what she had to endure. All extreme and sadistic abuse survivors have learned to avoid forming intimate relationships in some form or fashion. Friendships, loving relationships, companionships are extremely difficult form and sustain. Even when relationships are formed, one is always terrified of the intimacy between two people. The survivor avoids getting too close. She may struggle between avoiding getting close and avoiding being abandoned. Some will have a few friends who believe they are able to be closer than they actually are to the survivor. There is a constant longing for close relationships and love, but an inability to form these bonds because getting close has become associated with torture. Some survivors form relationships with people who are sadistic and repeat the victimization. This is what she knows, understands and longs to understand better somehow. She believes she can only be close with people who hurt her emotionally, physically and sexually. Repeat victimization only further victimizes her. It can become addictive, which is then even more confusing as she craves what makes her feel alive and dead at the same time.

    Another common trait is taking on one's perpetrator's beliefs about his/her/their victim. Most sadists blame their victims in many different ways. They'll say they can't help themselves because she is so beautiful, so evil, so bad, so whorish. She is a dirty slut, a sexy and beautiful little girl, seductive, evil, bad and deserving. Sadists want to inflict pain for sexual pleasure. Some sadistic women will use emotional control, put their children in double bind situations - blame them for causing abuse or situations that they then punish their children for. For example, a sadistic woman may tell her female child that she deserves to be raped by her for being a whore, wanting other friends or people in her life, etc. Some will even hurt their children for being molested by their male partners. Female sadists will often demand complete loyalty by their victim. They expect total trust despite being untrustworthy, total obedience even though no one could possibly meet their demands, total love and focus - not allowed to have others in her life. Always she is expected to keep her abuse a secret. Animals and even other children or people will be killed or hurt in front of the survivor to ensure silence. Some organized groups of sadistic offenders will train children to develop parts inside that will act as enforcers of obedience that will punish the survivor if she even thinks of disclosing her abuse.

    Children raised in organized criminal groups or abusive cults will be raised to compete with other children for dominance and perpetrator's affections. They are encouraged to compete with one another to be trained to be used in prostitution, pornography, and snuff films. They are often taught to molest other children, hurt other children or be subjugated by other children who are younger than themselves. Girls are often taught to be subservient to any male, even if he is much younger than she is. All are taught total obedience. Many are forced to have sex with animals, even large animals as adults watch and cheer them on. When raised by cults or criminal groups, children's values are confused and conflicted. They are taught to crave power and dominance over others. Their rage is channeled to seek power over others and to do harm. Intimacy and being vulnerable, elements required to form friendships, attachments and relationships, are seen as weakness instead of strengths to strive for. Survivors always develop secret lives and false selves that they present to the world. Rage and emotions are often discouraged, but being afraid is encouraged.

The group is constructed for women who have survived the unspeakable. It is a safe place for women to come together to begin talking about their experiences, learn to gradually develop trust, a level of safety, and for the first time to form a healing community. All members must have had or currently be in individual therapy.